Lessons From My Uncle

FEB 1, 2021

Dear Uncle,

When my brother and I were growing up, it was you that we referred to by default when we talked about "Uncle" and "Aunty." We looked forward to seeing you, if not so much for your company but rather the plethora of gifts you guys would get for us every year during your annual visit to India. Even when I think hard, I do not remember the impression of you that was in the mind of my then 14-year-old self. Then fate and your generosity brought us closer together. 

You took me in when I was that young – your idea to make my college dreams a bit easier to achieve – and when I was a sheltered, naïve kid from Mumbai barely able to carry a conversation in English. You taught me all the things you would teach your son. With great patience, you taught me to drive. You taught me how to shave. You taught me how to fill the dishwasher for maximum efficiency. You taught me how to negotiate when buying a used car.You helped me open a bank account, explained how it worked, and trusted me enough to have them give me a credit card when I was only 14. "You have to build your credit history early," you had said. Having never known how to clean anything while growing up in India, you and Aunty taught me to clean, organize, and showed me how to run a household. These are skills I still use today and am particularly good at doing, especially filling the dishwasher.

But the lessons I learned from you when you were not teaching are the ones that I cherish the most. I observed you as you dispensed advice to all the wards you had taken under your wing. I had the best deal as I was to be trained by you every day. You were the "mota bhai" to many others – friends, family, and acquaintances. Everyone wanted your counsel on matters ranging from buying insurance to what weedkiller was best. You were always available and always keen on helping, even if it meant that sometimes that advice was not welcomed. Watching you, I learned that it was essential to give a part of you, your knowledge, and your opinion to someone who asks for it. But it was more important to give your advice and opinion to those who you care about, whether they ask for it or not.

You also had a yearning to learn and a natural curiosity about many, many subjects. As I grew older, our conversations also became about what you could learn from me, and you were as good a student as you were a teacher. Even during our last conversation, you wanted to know the technology behind stairlifts and how to choose the right one. Whether it was learning to use excel better so you could keep track of your accounts or trying to talk to Alexa to turn on the lights in my home, you were unrelenting in your pursuit of knowledge. You never just gave up. Inspired by you and driven by my innate inquisitive nature, I have always taken every opportunity to learn about anything I can in any given situation.

The most important lesson you imparted was by setting an example. You were my role model on how to act in a crisis. You were ever so phlegmatic when up against the worst adversity, and you always kept your wits. You never panicked so that you could allow everyone else around you just to be themselves. You were their rock when they needed support, and you were stolid in defense of your loved ones. I get my emotional resilience from my mom. But I derive strength from following your example. But you also showed me that it is okay to cry. I remember coming back from Atlanta to visit for the first time after Aunty's cancer diagnosis and not being able to stop crying while lying in the corner of the laundry room. You came and sat next to me and did not say anything. We wept that day in silence like men sometimes do.

You taught me that the most important thing you can do for your loved ones is to show up. You were always there for me. You and Aunty attended all my graduations, toured colleges for me, and were involved in all my big life decisions. I cannot think of an important event in my life without your presence, and I am glad that you at least got to see my daughter, even for a short while.

We did not agree on everything – some examples include political ideology, gardening at 7 am on a Sunday, or the use of bath products. But I respected the fact that your word meant something; you held strong for your principles and never backed down from a difficult conversation. Even if our methods differed, I understood that these were qualities I also wanted to have. These lessons I learned from you are the best gifts you have given me, and the only way I can think of honoring you is to keep using them and remembering you.

I was happy to be able to spend so much time and hear the joy jumping out of the phone in your voice as I talked to you on this day last year. You had taken the trip you had planned for so long, celebrated many milestones surrounded by loved ones forgotten by distance and time, while wearing the new clothes Aunty and I finally convinced you to buy. You were the happiest I had ever seen you. You lived a full life, one worthy of living. You touched so many souls and influenced so many lives. I hope I can do half as much as you did and pay it forward. I miss you dearly today as I remember the happy times that seem to have just happened. 

Happy Birthday, Uncle!

With love and respect,

Your nephew